What do you do when the thing that you want the most crumbles to dust in your hands? Do you slump to the ground in defeat while your tears soak into the dregs that have been left? Do you rise up in anger, and fling the remnants as far from you as possible? Do you just allow the crumbs to blow away in the wind, and then turn your back and walk away?
Or, do you collect each piece, carefully place them away for safekeeping until you can determine how to repair them, and then return to the start?
Before you jump to conclusions, let me explain–I’m not completely changing my views. In fact, I’m hardly altering them at all; I just feel that it is appropriate to make a few minor revisions in light of recent events.
First, I would like to highlight the principles that I still believe in. I feel (and I sincerely hope) that these will not change for a very long time, since they make up a large part of the foundation of who I am.
However…
Love is a game-changer.
So far in this ride, I have done my utmost to keep my head. Although I haven’t been absolutely successful, I think that overall I have done a pretty good job of remaining calm and rational. I’ve been very determined to preserve a great friendship, despite my inconvenient emotions. It has been a battle to resist the pull of chaos and remain focused on the goals and priorities that I have already developed (and also remain respectful of the goals and priorities that he has, without a doubt).
Then, suddenly, without warning…reciprocation.
The scales that were previously so unbalanced, and teetering on the knife-edge of uncertainty at that, were righted in an instant. Or at least, shifted much, much closer to even than I’d anticipated. Now, instead of preserving a great friendship, I was preserving a giant question mark.
Or maybe, a whole lot of question marks… like, what if he wants a relationship? Do I want one? What kind would I want? What kind would he want? What if he wants to be exclusive? What if he is so put off by his own emotions (as I initially was) that he wants to shut down our association altogether? What if he wants to start dating? Do I have to buy a dress?
And so on.
So, the soul-searching began. Again. As it turns out, I was kind of okay with making some alterations to my views. For the most part, he shares many of my same opinions on these matters as well, up to the point where our emotions were thrown into the game. So here we go…
It really isn’t much of a change at all–I still believe in non-monogamy, I am still a chauvinist, and still a sex addict. Except now that some twist of fate (sidenote: I don’t believe in fate, that’s a crutch for people who can’t take the blame for their own actions) has thrown love onto my plate, I’ve realized that, even though I would prefer an open relationship/polyamorous lifestyle with someone/someones when I make the move toward a relationship, I would much rather keep the boundaries that they are comfortable with.
We can worry about radically influencing the world towards free love some other time. Maybe after a few more threesomes.
Not too long ago, a woman at work approached me for advice on how to deal with her husband. They had recently had some disagreements which led to an argument, and she just couldn’t figure out why he was behaving like he was. After listening to her for a moment, a few things were immediately clear:
The first thing was–women (well, most women) have absolutely no idea how men think. I’ll get around to the opposite of this (the way that men understand women’s thinking) in due time.
The second thing was–even with the best intentions, any relationship that doesn’t take the time to attempt to understand how the opposite gender thinks (which is entirely different from trying to assume the other person is thinking or feeling the same thing that you are) is going to be in for one hell of a tough time.
In essence, her situation with her husband boiled down to this: she wanted sex and attention, but he didn’t want to give it. Then, when she explained that his lack of attention hurt her feelings, he initiated an argument. She was confused, hurt, and angry, so she turned off her phone. When she turned it back on, he told her that when she did that it hurt his feelings in return and made him feel the same way (ignored) as what she claimed he was doing. She asked me why he would say something like that, because it made no sense to her–in her mind she was the victim, she had done nothing wrong, and could not understand why he would accuse her of hurting him when she was the one who had been ignored the whole time.
This is how I explained it to her:
In general, men think in a very logical, rational manner–but short-term. Everything follows patterns and sequential steps: if A happens, then B happens. Very simple processes, easy to follow, smooth way to live life. Women are the opposite. They think long term–if A happens, then B will happen, then C, all the way out to G and probably Z. Not only that, but women typically think emotionally, which more often then not lends a snowball effect to this long-term thinking. While men are thinking “Turn the key, start the ignition”, women are planning the entire interstate system and tearing their hair out if two on-ramps might not line up.
So, that makes sense, until a man has an emotion or three. Because men typically think and react in the short-term, their emotions follow suit–they are like knee-jerk reactions. That is why men get in fist fights and women poison people’s food. Reactions versus planning. So, while she planned out her confrontation and tried to discuss her emotions, he experienced an immediate emotional response. The problem is, when both men and women are acting emotionally (and neither has the sense to hang on to their logic), that snowball effect takes off without any kind of braking system.
Another aspect of the male mind that women constantly underestimate is pride. Women have their vanity (men have vanity too, but generally that is manifested as part of their pride), so they should understand this, but all too often they don’t. A man’s pride is like a woman’s wardrobe. It is what he wears out in public, what everybody sees, who they believe him to be. Everything he has done, or worked toward, or achieved, goes into it. The easiest way to drag down a man’s confidence is to damage his pride–call into question his ability to do something that he considers himself to be skilled at, mock his looks or his sexual talents, put him down in front of family and friends–you might as well be taking a woman’s new Pradas and throwing them in front of a semi truck.
When women see men putting each other down, they assume that is a boundary that is safe to cross–it is not. To men, women are not (will never be) part of their safe circle. Therefore, their pride has a boundary there that women cannot cross and violate. Especially in front of friends or family. Women who are true friends, who are the closest to a man, are the ones who know when to be casual and also when to fluff up a man’s ego and pride just the right way. Putting a man down is not a woman’s job–even a woman who is a best friend.
As far as men’s understanding of women is concerned…they understand more than they let on. The joke is that they will never get women, but most of that is because women (as chaotic, emotional creatures) are constantly changing. They understand some incredibly important points, however–points that women should acknowledge when attempting to wrap their minds around just what is going on inside a man’s brain (which is slightly more than just sex, football, and hunting). Men understand that women crave attention, and the only way they will be able to get very far with any woman is to provide it (whether that be genuine or artificial). Men understand that women are fascinated by the softer things in life–sentiments and sensations alike. When they feel that they have an opportunity to capture a woman’s interest (depending on their goal, that could be for a night or a lifetime), they will capitalize on this–a soft blanket on the bed, a puppy for her birthday, what have you. They also know that women have the potential to be incredibly volatile, and so most men have a great ability to not only sense when a woman is reaching a boiling point, but also to find ways to calm her or placate her (that is, if he can’t find an escape route in time).
Many women assume that men are dull-witted, simple-minded, ignorant, or just plain barbaric. None of this is true–or at least, not nearly to the extent that they would have us believe. Men simply have different priorities, and think in different patterns, than women do. And most women are too distracted with their own interests (read:selfish) to bother with learning what those are.
Of course, the same could be said in reverse, but I myself would much rather learn about hunting, fishing, and logical thinking, than ask a man to put down his football to come learn about dresses and thinking in circles.
Interacting with other people is something we do every single day–for many of us, our careers and paychecks depend upon it. We speak to friends, smile at strangers, chat with family. Dealing with people is just another facet of life–like paying bills or deciding what to eat for dinner.
The problem is, many of us have begun to lose sight of the value of other people. Most of us are entirely too focused on our own goals, our own plans…our own little bubble, that even all of these thousands of interactions with other people do not phase us. Some have even forgot how to smile at strangers, how to say “thank you” to somebody who has done a simple service for them. Even those of us who consider ourselves to be family-oriented, with wholesome values, often forget about people–either our extended family, the friends we used to care about, or the neighbors next door.
I would never claim to be perfect in this respect–I don’t always rearrange my schedule to make time for every single friend, I don’t go out of my way to shake the hand of every stranger on the street, and I can’t even make it to every family gathering in my own hometown. However, I do make it a point to get to know each and every person I care about, on more than just a superficial level–on more than just a, “what can they do for me” level. When you invest in other people by way of their needs and not your own, you can find that your relationships are substantially enriched.
I consider myself to be an analyst–and not because that was the job title I held for a short while. Because it is who I am and what I do, at the core of it all. I apply these strengths to how I understand people and build relationships, and I believe that many others can benefit from the strategies as well. Before I get into the puzzle that is the human mind, though, let’s start with the hard part–you.
Before you can build a healthy relationship with another person that begins with their needs, you must be able to satisfy your own first. Otherwise, you will just spend the whole time pushing the situation back to your own demands–”why isn’t he calling me?” “I thought she said she was going to go to the mall with ME today!” “I can’t believe they made other plans, I needed a ride” and so on. Regardless of your situation in life, it is perfectly within your power to satisfy your own needs. Granted, you may have to rely on other people occasional for certain things, but your independence is completely your responsibility. If you are married or dating, it is not your partner’s responsibility to please you every moment of every day. Your happiness is your responsibility. Just like the cleanliness of your body is…you wouldn’t expect somebody else to come in and scrub you down every day, or help you go to the bathroom, right? Those are things that you take care of. Your emotional well-being works the same way.
Once you grasp this concept, it is much easier to find happiness, and stay happy. Then, when another person decides to do something for you or with you, it is a gift and a treasure, not a right or just some boring part of your day to day life. The same goes for your physical and financial well-being. I understand that there are some people who live in a single-paycheck household, but that does not mean that you should be sitting around, feeling as if your livelihood dances on the strings of another person. You control your own life, in every way.
Now that you are in control of you, it is time to start building real relationships. Take a look around at the ones you have now. How do you interact with your family? How often do you talk to your friends, and what do you say to them? Do you know who they are anymore? If you have a significant other, think about what you value in them, and how you express it. When do you express it? Why do you express it? Is it only to get something for yourself?
All of these relationships can be improved by adding one simple idea: what do they need? This is where the analysis comes in. I hate to admit it, but stalkers are some of the best people at this (not that you should get involved in that, that’s kind of creepy). Take your best friend, for example. Do you really know them? Let’s look for clues and build their personality.
First and foremost–music. The kind of music a person listens to says a whole lot about them. Now, I know that nearly everyone will say “I listen to everything,” but I guarandamntee you they have an overall preference…even if it’s a preference that changes depending on their mood. Alternative/rock music indicates a person who is generally relaxed and gets along with other people, they have many goals and plans that you could consider mainstream–legal, medical, business, federal, etc.–but they also possess a strong tendency to react violently if pushed. Metal and indie/local band rockers tend to avoid those mainstream type of careers if possible and seek out unique fields where they can express the culture and style of dress they prefer without too much criticism. They generally present a rebellious face to the world, but are much more calm and affable once they are comfortable in an environment. Country music, while it does attract many of the traditional redneck types (as well as the rhinestone cowboys) also finds its way into the stereos of many people who were raised with “southern” style values…they said sir, ma’am, please, and thank you, and didn’t put their elbows on the table. They worked hard for what they earned, and they still value those lessons.
Now that’s just music. What about movies? That one’s an easy one, right? Perhaps…comedy movies show someone who values laughter. Stupid comedy (Dumb and Dumber, for example) shows that somebody feels they need time in their life to laugh, and just not think for a while. They likely feel stressed by other things going on. Romantic comedy (mostly women like these, but not all) shows that someone values a story with a happy ending, a little sex, and a bit of a sappy plot, but they still feel the need to laugh about it all. Somebody who likes drama (Titanic, American Psycho) is a person who feels a desire to be fully engaged in a story line that may or may not end in tragedy–which makes it more believable to them. These people value film that attempts to match the brutality of real life, in all its ups and downs. Action movies are people who yearn for the thrill of adrenaline highs. Adventure movies are for the people who enjoy a story–and a life– that constantly takes you to new places (either literally or figuratively).
There are many other little clues that you can use to piece together just who a person is, and use that information to anticipate what they will need or how you can meet those needs in order to be a better friend, lover, spouse, sibling, neighbor, or whatever you want to be. What does their vehicle say about them? The make, the model, the stickers, the plate, the decorations on the dash, the cleanliness of it? It is all a puzzle that points in one direction–who they are.
Take a moment and see if you can do this. Can you build the puzzle? Can you figure out just who that person is that you care about? What do they like? What do they want? What do they need? If it was up to you, right now, to surprise them in the most unique, heartfelt way possible, could you do it?
Would you do it, if you wouldn’t get anything in return?
Recently, a rash of videos and campaign slogans has spread across America in an infectious wave–all under the heading “Kony 2012″. If you are not familiar with this current national controversy, here is one of the videos:
Essentially, it is a widespread, grassroots campaign to halt the violence of a local warlord in Uganda. He has been in power since 1986, and his army is primarily comprised of children that he abducts. He commits atrocities on a grand scale, not the least of which is child abduction for sex slavery. The videos reveal the shocking conditions in Africa that the children and the other local people are subjected to.
It really is a heart-wrenching tale, and it’s understandable why millions of Americans (and no doubt people from other nations as well) have thrown their support behind the movement to bring him to justice and “free” the region.
I can only find one small problem here…
Are you motherfuckers blind???
I won’t apologize for the language here, because I feel that it is more than necessary. I can’t even imagine how much time, money, and energy has been thrown behind this campaign so far, all for people who live and exist thousands of miles away, on the other side of an ocean. Granted, I’m not exactly okay with their situation in life–but every nation in the world experiences conflict. If you don’t believe me, take a history class again, refresh your memory. America simply cannot swoop in to assist every single poor misdirected group of people who can’t pull their heads out of their asses long enough to organize, gather resources, and stand up for themselves.
Why not? For several reasons.
One–we do not have the manpower. Even if every American was required to serve in the military for a minimum of four years (hey activists, wouldn’t you love a draft?), we still would not have enough soldiers to play mediator in every conflict that you folks think needs to be resolved by our firm and guiding hand.
Two–we do not have the money. You guys bitch about being taxed enough as it is. I’m just fine with paying taxes to provide for security, infrastructure, and education…I am certainly not okay with sending my tax dollars overseas to put bloodthirsty warlords in jail. That’s not what my citizenry is for.
Three–we do not have the resources. America consumes more than three times as much resources than we produce (and you wondered why the national debt was so huge?). This means that all of the materials used to produce things like armor, rifles, vehicles, ships, jets, and cargo planes are all being crafted with the help of materials that we had to buy from someone else. So, If we have to mass produce even more of these things, just to sneak into some backwoods country to save a group of starving homeless people, where are we going to get those raw materials…or, perhaps I should ask, where are we going to get the money?
And four (which I feel is the most important point)–all of the time, money, and energy that you have been lobbing overseas at these strangers rightfully belongs here, at home. America needs that help, that support, that charity-driven desire to improve the whole wide world. As much as everyone likes to think we are perfect and can’t get any better, they are wrong. How can we help other nations at all if we can’t even correct our own shortcomings? Would you want someone with a flat tire to tow your car out of a ditch? “Uh, no thanks man, I think I’ll just walk. How about you fix your shit before you come over here and try to mess with my engine. Thanks.”
But seriously, folks…look around you. There are so many countless causes and organizations that genuinely need help in our own nation. Hell, even the government itself could use a few dimes. We’re in a damn recession. If you honestly can’t find a single one worth helping–how about this:
Our nation’s veterans. Men and women of all ages, all backgrounds, who have gone overseas–yes, overseas, to those countries with all of the conflicts that you begged the government to go help with?–and fought. Fought for other countries, fought for other people’s freedoms, and told themselves that they were defending America. Many of them have been forever wounded, some have watched friends die, but every one of them has lost something over there that they will never get back again. Today, many veterans struggle to re-integrate and accept “normal” life. They have difficulty finding and keeping jobs, going back to school, maintaining careers, even keeping their families together. It is an ongoing challenge to move on and live a stable American life after coming home from a war in a country overseas.
So if you are wondering who deserves your time and your help…look next door. And please, put some thought into your words before you judge the men and women in power who have wisely chosen not to send us into yet another third world war.
It took me a while to decide how to write this one, but it is one that demanded to be written.
I guess the first thing I should say–or confess, rather–is that I love him. I stumbled upon this charming little discovery just last night. It has been creeping up on me for a while now, and although I have been doing my best not to fight it (I learned that lesson last time) I have been resisting as much as possible. In case you guys haven’t noticed, I’m really not okay with flipping my life upside down for love. But it hit me last night, quite suddenly actually, so I’ve spent the better part of the day attempting to accept this new sensation. I would liken it to being zipped into a cozy sweater in the middle of July. There’s no doubt that it’s comfortable, and that it fits me just fine…it’s just not the right time, and that makes it really quite awkward.
However, I will say this–I can accept it. I’ve worn these shoes before, I’ve traveled down this road, and I am confident that I can navigate it this time. In fact, I know for certain that I am still in love with the last man that I accidentally fell for (that answers the question of whether you can love more than one person at once that some of you may be asking), so I am still on that road, technically.
When I first acknowledged my feelings for him, I laid some ground rules and plans for the situation–this is no different.
By now you guys have probably caught on to the fact that I am not like most girls (which is rather ironic, given that most girls make this claim). When a typical girl falls in love, her immediate instinct is to claim that man (or woman, depending) for herself. She pictures him matching her affections, doting on her, becoming rapidly tied around her finger…. The whole last name doodled on the notebook syndrome.
I’m not into that.
Here’s my deal–call this real love, call this true friendship, call it pure lunacy, it doesn’t matter to me. But it makes perfect sense in my book. I want him to keep his life. Exactly the way it is. Including sleeping with other women. Even if he doesn’t tell me about them (I plan to continue sleeping with other men, but even if I didn’t I would feel the same). I could say it’s because that’s what makes him happy–and that’s true–but it’s only part of it. His life is his prerogative. Just because I’ve suddenly and randomly developed serious romantic feelings for him does not give me any sort of right to demand that he make changes to a life that is going along perfectly fine.
So…if his life is going along perfectly fine, then where is my role in all of this? Where is my self-respect? Don’t I have any self-esteem? I do, indeed, have self-respect and self-esteem. So much of both that I don’t need to rob someone else of theirs in order to feel better about myself. My role in his life is that of a good friend. A confidant every now and then. Someone who not only understands what he deals with outside of the home, but who also has the ability to take his mind off of it. A person who engages in intelligent conversation, but also knows how to hold up their end of a dirty joke. A girl who can listen to his stories about other girls without jealousy, and occasionally share insight into the situation (I said occasionally). I am the one who will spend a long night in his bed, and chat the next night with him about how great it is to sleep alone.
In short, I’m a friend with benefits, but we communicate and understand each other the way that guys do. There is no female-male communication barrier.
And that, my friends, is what is so important here. Love will come and go, but friends–real friends–last.
It’s especially nice when those friends are amazing in bed.
I know that it’s been a little while since I’ve written a post about sex, and some of you might be getting worried that I’ve lost my touch…
Thankfully, I haven’t. Although I’ve been struggling to keep up with my busy life as my energy levels start to draw down, my sex drive has remained as insistent as ever.
But that’s not the kind of sex I’m going to talk about here. I want to talk about sex as in, gender.
When most people first meet me–or at least, when they first meet my opinions–they get the impression that I’m a feminist. That’s logical, if you think about it: I want to live on my own, I pay my own bills, I drive a truck, I firmly believe that I have a right to sleep with whoever I want (of either gender) at any time I want…
…and that’s about where the similarities end.
You see, once you get into the inner workings of my mind, there might as well be a Y chromosome.
First and foremost–I don’t trust women to be rational. The majority of women are irrational and emotional the majority of the time. This means that their behavior is unpredictable and unreliable, and therefore should not be trusted. How can you trust a woman with important decisions when she might go into a fit of rage over some imagined slight that she dreamed up in a hypothetical situation during the car ride over? How can you place the weight of real responsibility on the shoulder of a person who breaks down into tears at the thought of something that may or may not have actually happened? Where is the logic here? The behavior of a woman cannot be trusted, therefore a woman cannot be trusted. I say this in all sincerity because I’ve been emotional myself, and I hope to hell no one places their trust in me when I’m in a state like that. I don’t even trust myself to be rational when I’m like that. This is the same reason why I believe that women shouldn’t “run the world”. We would all be in World War VII by now. Or nuked because somebody accidentally called Sarah Palin fat during a press conference one time and she overheard.
Secondly–women need to learn how to shut up and listen. They spend so much time talking–and I know this from experience because my number one hobby is conversation–that they miss the one fact that can resolve an entire conflict before it starts. Most men are pretty simple, and will say directly what is on their minds if a woman will just shut up for a second and ask. The problem is, most women just keep rattling on about their problems that the man gives up on ever getting a word in edgewise, so eventually he just convinces himself that he never had a problem in the first place, and then just sits there and nods. Then women wonder why they aren’t “responding”. This leads me to my next point–
Don’t expect people to read your mind. Seriously, ladies. For one, guys can’t do it, and for another they either don’t have the time to try or grow entirely too frustrated trying to guess what you’re thinking. The whole “if he loves me he would know” game is BS. SAY what you need, SAY what you want, and then things will actually start to happen. It’s called genuine communication and men appreciate it far more than your twisted little guessing game.
I firmly believe that it is crucial to have the ability and the desire to please a man. This means knowing what, when, and how. For example–what kind of sandwich to make, with the kind of beer they prefer to drink, at the time of day they will be home, because they texted you that they’ve had shitty day at work, they’re exhausted, and they can’t think straight. Does this mean a woman is sacrificing her self-respect? Hell no, it doesn’t. Men spend their lives on their knees for women just to get a little action. In fact, once they decide to put on a ring, they’re chained to the floor for the rest of their lives. And if a man can do that all of his life then a woman can do it every now and then, regardless if she’s married, dating, or what have you. It’s called courtesy, and it’s called respect, and it’s what people who care for each other do. And if you can’t bring yourself to get in the kitchen and grab a beer–out of your own free will–then you have no right to be demanding any kind of jewelry or flowers come next Valentine’s Day. Or anniversary. Or birthday.
Lastly, I would just like to throw in a few comments. Something I don’t understand. What is the deal with the shoes and purses? I honestly don’t get it. I am willing to admit that a woman needs a purse for her things, whereas a man does not. Women have all sorts of odds and ends and random little trinkets that they accumulate that they have to carry around with them. I’m no exception. But why do they need more than one? What’s the deal with having 17 different colors, and ones that cost more than my couch? I don’t understand it. Same thing with the shoes. I own maybe 5 pairs of shoes. One for each purpose that I might need shoes for, and nearly all of them black. That way I don’t have to bitch about them “matching” the rest of my stuff. Simple. Very easy solution. Now I have closet space for other important things. Like old video game equipment.
I don’t deny that women are wonderful to look at. If I see a chick with a smoking body and a nice rack, I wouldn’t hesitate to hit that. Twice. But would I hang around to listen to her talk about her cats and the dress she saw in the window at the mall the other day? Hell no. Do I look like I’m wearing a BFF bracelet?
My point is this–women are a gift to men, and most men won’t hesitate to agree with that fact. The problem is, women are so convinced that they are a gift to men that they can’t come down to Earth and communicate with them as equals. And that makes life harder on all of us.
Also, show your tits more often.
Usually, when I go into overdrive (you could call it my manic phase), it feels like I’m slipping back into my own skin. Like I’m myself after too long away. I would compare it to pulling on an old pair of blue jeans that you haven’t worn in a while, and discovering that they still fit you perfectly. For me, that period of time is like living in a chaotic bubble. This last time I went through it, it was a very happy, very productive, chaotic bubble. Most of the disturbances from the outside world do not penetrate it–interpersonal relationships, emotions, daily trivialities, etc. Everything just rolls along smoothly at a rapid-fire pace.
Conversely, when I tumble out of it, it’s as if I am shedding my skin altogether. Suddenly I am walking around naked–more than naked. I’m not myself. All of my insides are exposed, and I’m incredibly vulnerable. Now I am a target for all of that ugliness. It’s like I’m standing in the middle of an intersection, nude, while traffic whizzes past me and onlookers–the ones who were stuck outside my bubble before–throw mental projectiles my way. Emotions, those irrational, messy affairs that I shouldn’t need to address, are now blocking my field of view. I find that I need a normal amount of sleep now and it feels like a crutch that I can’t afford.
I guess for most of you, being normal is normal–you have ups and downs in any normal day. You get sad, you get happy. You want a friend to be around, you enjoy your partner’s company. You experience love and envy and all those little hiccups that make life interesting and difficult. You are probably thinking that I shouldn’t worry if I’m feeling this way.
But I am worried…because being normal is not normal. I don’t understand how a person can feel–well first of all, I should say that I don’t fully grasp the concept of feelings, most of the time– I don’t understand how a person can go from feeling sad to happy in one day. I am used to either staying happy, or staying sad. This flipping back and forth is disconcerting, and it makes me feel unstable. Not only that, but, during my time in the military (and some of the time beforehand, when my ex-husband was in the military), when I was feeling violently angry (manic) or disconsolately depressed, any intrusion of outside emotion was enough to trigger an outburst of dangerous proportions from me. So, while emotions might be normal for you guys, I walk on eggshells around them at all times because I can never predict what they will do to me.
That being said, this normal state has opened up a particularly painful wound of mine–one that is typically nonexistent when I am living in overdrive–and that is the need for human contact. This is not to be confused with my need for sex–I’m nearly certain that that is constant regardless of my mental state (my attitude toward it might change, my need for it is always there). But as I become more “normalized” (which eventually trends down toward depression), I crave the support structure of friends more than I care to admit.
Here is the important thing though–I invest in my friendships. Even when I am in overdrive, moving at 100mph with hardly a moment to think for myself, I am attentive to the needs of my friends. I might still be selfish with my space (my apartment and my truck are my sanctuaries) and my emotions (we already went over this), but I will always find time to take care of my friends. The welfare of the people I care about has value to me, even when life is moving too fast for them to realize the significance of it.
There’s only one problem…I’m not sure any of them is capable, or has the desire, to do the same for me. Well, maybe they do, but they think I don’t need it because I push everyone back when I’m living life in the fast lane and feel uncomfortable with social support. It’s a very logical conclusion. But once I start coming down…those are the times when I need my investments to come through for me. I need at least one friend who understands my needs and has my back when I start to stumble. And, as crass as it may sound, that means more than just words. I’m the kind of friend who shows up with soup, cough drops, and a blanket when you’re sick. I’m the kind of friend who talks the hot chicks into going home with you. I’m the kind of friend who sends you you favorite candy and a dirty magazine when you’re far from home.
I’m the kind of friend who takes the time to understand you as a person so that I can anticipate your needs, when you need someone the most.
That’s the kind of friend that I need. I know I don’t act like it when I’m moving at lightspeed and doing my best to convince the world that I’m fine on my own (which I still am, by the way). But that kind of friend would know the difference.
Until I find that person though, it looks like I’ll be making my own soup and sending myself dirty magazines.
I’ve spent the past few months at a pretty high altitude–I’ve been focused, driven, and energetic, riding the high that comes with mania and taking advantage of every moment of it. I went weeks with little to no sleep and stress just rolled past me as if it never existed. I was passionate and contagiously optimistic.
And a small part of me cowered in fear of the crash that I knew was bound to come. I extended my high as long as I could–did my best to absorb as much of life as I could while it was all still vibrant. I was walking tip toe to the very end of that tree limb, knowing that the branch would crack at any moment.
But the fall is here. As I knew it would come, inevitably. I don’t know how fast I am going to plummet, or where I will land, but I know that I’ve lost my tailwind and I’m going down. If I didn’t already know that I am likely headed for Depression, that fact alone would be quite depressing.
Lucky for me, I’ve been through this a few times now. I’ve got something of a mental survival kit packed. There’s no telling if it will help or not–that was all put together by Rational, Logical Me–but I’ve done what I can.
The most important thing is to keep a firm grip on myself…just because my emotions are starting to resurface doesn’t mean that I should let them have free reign. I still need to be a rational-minded person. My life has been set up in an orderly fashion–education, job, career goals–and I don’t have the time, nor the energy, to devote to pointless emotional outbursts. I just can’t afford to spend days at a time moping or lying in bed because I don’t have the motivation to be productive.
When those emotions do hit though, I know that I’m going to need an outlet. I’ve used many destructive ones before, but I’m hoping that I don’t turn to those this time. Reading, writing, and sex are always top on my list. After those come others like fishing, sketching…hell, even running if that’s what it takes.
I think that the worst part of this phase is that it makes me codependent. If you’re reading this you might be chuckling and thinking, “well, that just makes you human.” I’m sure that seems to be the case, but I’ve grown quite used to being perfectly fine on my own. Content, happy, and satisfied. I am my own best friend and I don’t know if I have room in my life for somebody who will love me as much as I love me. Unfortunately, once I start to fall, that’s one of the few times that I realize there is no one around to catch me. I don’t want a stranger living in my house catering to me, I don’t want some admirer to pander to my every secret wish, and I don’t want to be in love. I just know that I need a shoulder to lean on when I lose my drive.
Sometimes the hardest part of driving in the fast lane is, when you run out of fuel, you are miles away from anyone who could help you get your engine running again.
I’m betting that those of you who follow my blog are anticipating a full-blown hate session dedicated to Valentine’s Day. I am going to disappoint you.
Unlike many of the single people out there, staring wistfully through the glass of the restaurants at all of the happy couples and re-allocating their jealousy to hatred of this holiday, I don’t have any particular bitterness toward it. Granted, I don’t support the mass commercialization of romance (which is advertised and sold as a direct substitute for actual love), but I do support the existence of the holiday itself. I am comfortable with my status as a single woman, and fully hope to remain so for many more Valentine’s Days to come.
Like birthdays, anniversaries, and other holidays, it’s important to set aside a single day of the year to highlight a single significant aspect of your life. I’m not saying that you should mark a day for everything… ear-marking your calendar for “Cat Day”, “Cheesecake Day”, and “The anniversary of that one time I fell off my bike and that pretty girl helped me up” aren’t exactly significant aspects of your life (at least, I would hope not. For your sake.)
But the big things…the things that have truly made you who you are today…deserve a day of celebration. Your birth, the man and the woman who raised you, the religion that guides your lifestyle, the person who brings fulfillment to your life…those all merit recognition. For most people, love plays a similar role. It is a driving force in their life, and without it, they would be a completely different person. The general opinion is that is had made their lives significantly better. For these people, I certainly say that love deserves a day of its own.
Of course, love also deserves to be displayed every other day of the year as well (if that is the sentiment that you feel for a person).
My advice, though, is this: take advantage of this holiday (if, indeed, you are choosing to celebrate it) to express what you feel in a way that is undeniably yours. There is no reason why the sentiments you feel should be expressed in the same exact way as the sentiments of 10 million other people, who all feel something different, or feel it in a different way, or for a different person. Don’t trod down that same worn path that every other haggard couple is plodding along, with fake smiles plastered on their faces and wilted roses in their fists. Reinvent it. If your love is worth celebrating, than it is worth celebrating in your own way.
And if the bitch complains because you didn’t get her chocolate and diamonds, than next year she just won’t get anything.
SexAndWaffles
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